MY MYTHIC LIFE
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Tsunami Evacuation.

1/27/2018

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*stomp stomp* 
*clomp clomp*
*flick*
My light gets blasted on. 

“Phoebe, you need to get up!”

I sit straight up.
“What?!?”

“There’s a Tsunami warning, you need to get dressed and get in the van, now!”

It’s the middle of the night. 
I can hear the winds, rain and roar of the ocean out my window.

I grab my phone and it’s charger. 
I throw it into my purse. 

I’m fumbling around trying to find the right clothes to wear. 
Comfortable, warm, no time for cute. 

My heart is racing. 

Could this really be the end?

I grab my water and an orange that’s on my desk. 

With my mom, I’ve always been slow getting out the door. 
This was the time to break that.

My pillow.
A blanket. 

We need to get the cat.

Mom has thrown sleeping bags by the door and is trying to catch Rei. 

I’m shaking.

“Rei. Rei. Come on baby. We need to go.”

She’s hiding under the bed. 

“Uh, Uh, throw some treats on the floor for her!”

We can’t catch her and we need to go!

We comfort each other with the understanding that she can climb a tree.

We are in the van and out the lane.

Mom turns the radio on.

“*Bleep! Bleep!* Tsunami warning has been issued for the British Columbia Coast. Haida Gwaii. Evacuate and move to higher ground.”

My mom gives me phone numbers and I begin to call our neighbours who live on the beach. 

“Hello, it’s your neighbour Phoebe Dykstra, there’s a Tsunami warning, mom and I are headed up the hill!”

My mom wants me to call my dad.

I don’t feel that waking him at 2am to a call that his wife and daughter are running from a potential TSUNAMI is a nice idea. 
This will only bring fear. 

“If something happens to us, he’ll know.”
“You’re right.”

We get to town and begin to follow the rest of the evacuating vehicles.

This was the most commotion I’ve seen since arriving on Haida Gwaii. 

It was unclear of exactly where to park.

We see emergency vehicles. 

“Let’s stop here” 

Its 3am.
It’s raining. 
It’s windy. 
It’s dark, and...
I can see the ocean to my right. 

The ocean!?

“THIS is the safe zone?!”

There is no cell reception. 

Most people stay in their vehicles. 

We see a few Haida people standing in the rain without jackets, having smokes.

I’m huddled up under the sleeping bag with my toque pulled down to cover my cold forehead.

My mom isn’t comfortable with me forming a relationship with tobacco, she jokes that I should go have a smoke with them. 

I stay inside but yes, prayer is a good idea. 

I wonder what my teacher in Peru would suggest I do? 

I repeat in my mind that I surrender. 
I know that everything is exactly as it should be. 
I trust in the perfection of nature. 

I tease my mom because she’s got fears but tonight she seems very calm. 
I feel that she respects the ocean and trusts the bigger plan. 
I feel safe because she is here with me . 

Ironically we had just watched The Impossible, the true story about the family who got caught in the Tsunami that happened in 2004 in Asia!

We low five each other and hold hands. 

“It’s just you and me.”
“It’s always been, just you and me.”

I awaken to the vehicles in front of us moving. 

The Tsunami warning for the BC Coast, Alaska and Haida Gwaii has been lifted. 

I guess we are meant to see another day!

I sleep all the way home.

“Hi Rei!”
“Love you mamma!”

And back to bed.
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PHOTO BY:
Stephane Levesque
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I made a friend

1/26/2018

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He hugged me and said
“You are my best friend.” 
My heart heated up, I went still.
He relaxed into me
“Our hearts fix us.”
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Learning to Let It Go

1/25/2018

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A plus side to working a “9-5”...

1/25/2018

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I use my personal time WISELY and CREATIVELY!
I’ve since, started to paint!
🎨
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What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? (Pt. IV)

1/9/2018

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I feel happy when I see Markus at the breakfast table. 
He looks handsome in white.
I put my arms around him.
My whole being, including my face, smiles.
He feels so nice. 


The only seat open at the table is by Martine.
I normally keep quiet while I'm eating but I give her a friendly "good morning" and tell her I'm open to talking if there was anything she wanted to talk about. 


We finish eating and as a group, make our way to The Airport, our classroom in the jungle. 

It's post Ayahuasca consultation time.

I was as eager to be called into the hot seat as I was to hear everyone's journeys, especially Nik and Markus's.

8 hours go by and we haven't made it through half of the group's consultations. 

9 hours.
10 hours.
11.

It's time for dinner, time for bed. 

I was disappointed to have not been able to review my ceremony with the group as I wanted to share when I was still feeling the medicine and the experience was fresh in my mind. 

We aren't allowed to talk about our ceremonies until we have shared first with the entire group.
I was also eager to tell my story. 


I knew that I'd share at the perfect time.
Everything was exactly, deliciously as it should be. 


I call dibs to take my turn 3rd the next day. 
We go to bed. 

The excitement turns to anxiousness when I finally reach the hot seat.
How do I sit to show good symbolism?
No squirming!
I down a glass of water and pour myself some coffee. 


"Hello Phoebe"

"Hi"

"What was your intention?"

"What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?"

"...and"

I tell Mikis that I worked really hard. 

I tell him how I thought of my elementary school bullies, high school bullies, my first crushes. 

How the bullies didn't like me but I didn't like them either, I thought they were fake. 

I tell him about Markus's demons jumping all over me, the black panther, the sniffing dogs.
I tell him how I'm terrified but I know that these entities feed on fear so I shifted my energy to thinking about parts of myself I like.
"I like my ankles!" "I like my legs!"


Mikis is impressed with my work. 

I tell him that I Love Markus so I was okay with his demons jumping on me and that Mark's process got me to go deeper into my own. 

"You know Markus is unavailable."

I am aware of this but my heart still drops.

"You go for men that are unavailable. Is this the story of your life?"

"Yes."

I tell Mikis how after the ceremony, I was testing out the boys to see if they could be my anchor.
I was willing to chose one.
I tell him (and the whole group, Mark included) that I tried Nik but Markus felt best.


Mikis asks Nik what he feels about me. 

He has nice words but it feels forced, empty, robotic and I don't have much care because I am fixated on the idea of Mark.

Mikis asks Nik to pull a chair up in front of me and we are to look in each other's eyes. 

I feel vulnerable, in the beginning stages of life and am not yet comfortable with my new appearance. 

I laugh a lot and cannot look at Nik.

Mikis is getting frustrated with me. 

"This is your life! Do you think it's a joke?"

"No."

I look at Nik but don't see him. 

We stand.

We hug. 

I can't feel him.

This isn't working. 

I tell Mikis that I see that this is me looking for my reference point and that I could see that I haven't had reference points (home, job, masculine figure etc.) for alot of my life, which has caused me to spiral.

I tell Mikis how when I'm asking the Ayahuasca, what if nobody likes me, I start to ask about my Twitter and Instagram followers.
What if they don't "LIKE" me. 


"I see why you made it clear for me to ask LIKE, not love."

Mikis is extremely impressed by how hard I worked.
He slides his hands up the arm rests of his chair to support his weight and stands.


"I don't often bow 2 times in a workshop."

He looks at me, he's proud. 

He takes the type of respectful bow you only see in the movies.

I am honoured.
I'm proud. 

So, What If Nobody Likes Me?

"The answer is simple."

"People like you when you are not real, not a human but a projection, a "cool" person that is not them, because they all hate their humanity, they are taught to hate themselves. 

If nobody likes you, then there will be some people who will love you, be one with you because you will be a real person and not just an image.

It is more important to be loved by the people that matter in your life than to be liked by multitudes who don't really know you and don't really care about you. 

You will never truly like yourself if you are constantly trying to impress people and gain their "likes" which bottom line, mean nothing to your life.

You will like and love yourself and others will love you too if you are a real person, proud of your humanity and not a fashion image."
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​ARTWORK BY LUIS TAMANI
​www.luis-tamani.com/
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January 9, 2018

1/9/2018

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My Mythic Life
January 9, 2018

Today one of the customers coming through my til asked,
“So, what do you have in your head today?”
I replied,
“Mainly gratitude for having this job!”
“I meant, what song do you have stuck in your head today, you are always singing when I come bring my groceries through.”
“OH! Well actually, I discovered that the phone here has a speaker on it, so the radio is playing! I’ve got a new song to sing along with every 4 minutes!”

The radio cycles between Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber so, I’m stoked.
I request to the general manager of the Co-op that we have music playing throughout the whole store for the customers but something about the speakers being set up poorly and that the music would blast in one area and be silent in another… I let it go.
Customers can jam out with me at my til, til #3.
​
So, I’m 3 weeks into my new life, on Haida Gwaii.

My teacher Mikis and I, when leaving Tierra Mitica (my workshop in Peru) created a year plan for me:

“Daily: Pillars (this is a Choice OS - https://choiceos.com/choice-os/ - thing)
Daily: Offering of gratitude to your altar.
Twice a week: Take Salsa lessons.
Once a day: Tell someone something personal.
Once a week: Connect with a person from your past.
Once a month: Truly from your heart apologize for something that you have wronged.
Once a week eat bacon, lots of it!
Move away from the “spiritiod’ community and move in with your mother. Get a steady job and start paying your debts. Take responsibility, and connect with family to create stability and have reference points.

While working a steady job start writing your blog. You have a message for all the girls out there facing the same things you faced; you can truly help them see things differently just by sharing your life. Write from your heart, about your life experiences, write about your relationship with your mother, write about your TV career and the choices you made, the reasons for those choices and what you learned.”


I’ve been back in Canada for 4 weeks exactly.

I think of my pillars daily, I’ve got the first 5 on the dash of my car as well as above my altar.
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This of course wouldn't mean much to you if you haven’t completed a Mythic Voyage or a Choice OS workshop. For me, going over these is very helpful when in a situation where I feel stuck or unsure.

I sit and work with my altar every single morning, no matter what. I find it to be grounding, it only makes sense to start my day off with magic.
​

Today I felt inspired to create the shape of a heart.
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Here’s how to create yourself your altar:

Take a stone or an object, feel, and blow yourself into the object. Place it in the center of the altar. Do the same for other people or subjects which have importance in your life at the time (such as work, projects, events). The altar represents a picture of your life at the moment. When you set-up the altar you do it in a way that feels beautiful and harmonious to you. Every day when you visit the altar you want to achieve this feeling of beauty and harmony. Give an offering of gratitude such as a flower and give it to the altar saying thanks,​ “I am giving this flower in gratitude for….”

I moved to a remote island where there are NO dance classes, let alone Salsa!
We just got wifi at our place (we live right on the ocean, my mom has been on a waiting list to get wifi!) so, I ought to check into online salsa lessons?
I think the idea is to attend something of a social gathering as well … hmm.
Leaving this one out for now.


This next one is easy for me, “tell someone something personal, everyday.”
I’m an open-book.
The customers of the grocery store love to ask me questions to so, check!


I’ve made a memo to myself in my phone, every week I am to reach out to someone from my past.
Yesterday I looked up my first best friend and neighbor, sent her a message!


My calendar also shows that one day a month I am to reach out and apologize to someone I have done wrong.
Tomorrow is the day.
Who have I wronged?
I’ll need to think on this one.


When at Tierra Mitica, you are encouraged to go towards what you are resistant to.
If you avoid something, it is pointed out.
We then work through why there is resistance in this area and what belief system you have in your programming.
The belief system is then to be challenged.
This was me with meat, bacon.
I avoided it and even said “can you guys make me a sandwich with just vegetables?”
Busted.
I am now to eat bacon once a week, for me, it’s to show that I am stronger than any belief system.
Vegetarians, Vegans, put a piece of bacon (if you can even say this word without throwing up or crying) in your mouth… it’s literally the hardest thing, right?
Now, do it, and try to manipulate your mind into enjoying it?
Welcome to my life.


I have moved away from my communities who have very specific belief systems that aren’t serving my growth right now.
I have moments of missing them.
Dancing with them every week, all organic food and elixars, the spirit central conversation, our like-minds, the physical closeness we all have with each other, * sigh * all the snuggles.


I have moved myself onto my parent’s land.
​
Stepping out my door we’ve got the ocean to my left (literally, I can hear the sound of the ocean’s crashing waves over the Icaros being sung through my speaker!)
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Eagles and ravens overhead, rainforest to my right.
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My space has a bed (which I have not had in 3 years!), a table where I make coffee and tea, the desk I am sitting at now, a wardrobe for the very little clothing I have in my life and my yoga swing my dad helped me hang up!
​
​The space is small but it’s sure bigger than my Honda Civic (which I have on island with me!), by far. ​
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I have my own cedar outhouse that my dad built but usually use the bathroom in my mom’s house (it’s a hop, skip and jump away).
She’s got a bathtub too!
I also use her kitchen, enjoy her cooking, watch movies with my parents and hang out with our cat Rei.
It’s a lot for a mother and daughter to live together, but we are doing really well.
She’s really the best mom, like, THE BEST.
I’m so grateful she has invited me to come here at this time.
​I’m grateful to have my own space, I’m sure she is too.
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I’ve been instructed by my teacher to get a steady job in the service industry, work in a coffee shop.
Well, the only coffee shop on this end of the island is closing for a month, the vegetarian restaurant and the fancy tourist restaurant are also closing for a month!
So, there’s the bar.
Now, I know I need to face my 9-5 job resistance, as well as re-familiarize myself with basic human interaction but, no to serving alcohol right now.
So, the local co-op grocery store it is!
Working as a cashier at a small town grocery store was the first experience I had when entering the working world.
This would be very strange to start my new life off in this same role… or maybe this is exactly, deliciously as it should be?
I call the Co-op.
I go in for an interview the next day.
I am hired!
I ask to be trained the following day.


Well, moving beyond the couple of days of resistance… turns out it’s actually fun!
I’m making it fun!
It feels so good to have routine!
Structure!
Responsibility!
Getting back to the basics.
Meeting everyone on the island.
Hearing bits and pieces of Haida culture as the locals come through.

"You are new!"
"Welcome to Masset!"
"Where did you move from?"
"How long are you staying?"
"Did your neck tattoo hurt?”

It feels so good to know I have a pay-cheque coming in 2 weeks!
I’m more productive when I’m off work because it’s my time.
For years I’ve had too much free time.
I am BEYOND GRATEFUL for my 9-5!
Wow, who would have thought I’d say this one day!
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​I’m going to apply to be an Educational Assistant at the elementary school as well.
I want to learn the Haida culture and assist young kids.

I’m going to be putting part of my hard earned money towards paying my credit card off.
I am taking responsibility.
I am connecting with my parents.
I am healthy.
I feel stability and have reference points!


As for starting a blog to share my mythic life, here we are!

I have moments of wanting more, but I don’t have the gut reaction to pack up and run like I’m used to.
This is a time of being settled, creating firm foundation.
I’ve made these choices and I TRUST, I TRUST, I TRUST!
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Phoebe Dykstra 2.0

1/8/2018

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Tierra Mitica featured my story on their blog.
tierramitica.com/blog/phoebe-dykstra-2-0/
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before and after my workshop in Peru.
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What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? (Part 2)

1/5/2018

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.My Increase Frequency bamboo leggings and long-sleeve were perfect for ceremony under my white dress I got in LA and big fuzzy socks. I strapped on the headlamp my dad gave me and slipped on my jaguar runners.

I repeated my intention, engraving it into my being as we walked down the trail to Babushka, the outdoor ceremony floor. 

I knew tonight was going to be potent. 
I was going in fearless, determined. 
I requested to sit close to the shamans. 

The cup was big. 
It took me two huge gulps to get it down. The smell of tobacco mixed with the taste of the Ayahuasca became overwhelming, I bit my lip to show my body who was in charge. 


What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? 
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?


The shamans began to sing. 

I laid on my back, arms by my side, eyes closed and was tucked in with a big wool blanket. Straight to work.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
I immediately began to imagine the playground of the school I went to when I was young.
What if nobody at the school likes me, Grandmother?

I went over each one of my grade school crushes. I said their name in my mind, remembered an occasion when I was nervous around them and felt they didn't like me back. 

One by one I went through every girl that bullied me. I said the name of the one that put me through the most hell. I got stumped on her last name. Why couldn't I remember her last name? I repeated my intention again, to keep it clear in my mind, in case the Ayahuasca was about to take me over. What was her last name? Never-mind her last name, "what if Sarah doesn't like me?" I remembered being at her house in grade 8. I remembered her basement having walls filled with movies, she had every "thing." I always felt her parents were too busy so they bought her stuff to make up for lost love and attention. I remembered her being at my house, telling my mother lies to her face at the kitchen table. I thought she was a liar. Wait, what if I didn't like HER?

I thought of being at another one of my bully's homes. This girl, a fake. 

I thought about an ex co-worker from my time as an on-air television personality at MTV. We never got along, I thought she was fake. 

Wait, what if everyone that didn't like me, I actually didn't like either?

I could feel my friend and fellow workshop mate Markus, restless. He was laying on the mattress next to me. He began to mumble and call "Aura" for help. Another friend and workshop mate to my right began to talk to herself and call "Aura"'for help. 

The medicine came on stronger.

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?
Markus screams "HELP ME!"

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?

"HELP ME! HELP ME!"
One of our helpers rushes over to assist Mark. 

I felt terror. 
Focus Phoebe!

What if nobody at high-school liked me? 
I get flashes of my high-school bullies. 
What if nobody here in the workshop likes me? 
Mark's speech goes back and fourth between English and Swedish. He is moving around. I can feel his fear. He starts to flail his arms and legs everywhere, shouting. I could feel the presence of something that wasn't him. 
Sara from our hosting team calmly comes up to my ear and whispers "stay focused on your intention Phoebe, your brother is fighting for his life."

My feeling of love for him override my feelings of fear. 

Something black, the size of a bowling ball hits me in the chest. It feels demonic. I tighten up but refuse to open my eyes or move my limbs. *Thud*, what feels and looks like a black panther slams into the side of me. 

I scream. 
I can hear and feel black dogs sniffing around my head.
They are sniffing for fear to feed on. 

I shift my energy.
​


What if nobody likes me?
I started at my feet.
I like my feet!
I like my ankles!
I like my legs!
I like you legs!


The dogs leave but I am scared these parts of Mark are going to come back. 

I like you belly!
I like you arms!
What if nobody likes me?
I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME!


Mikis is called to the ceremony floor, he creates distance between Mark and the rest of the group. 

I call and ask for a worker to come sit by me. I told them I am scared something will jump on me. They re-assured me I am safe and encourage me to focus on my intention.

What if nobody on Instagram likes me?
What if nobody on twitter likes me?
"LIKES" me. 
Oh.
I began to think about how much time was spent doing #phoebesdailyoutfit photos and how many likes I'd get. 
How little likes I get now. 

I can hear Mark going back and fourth between personalities, Mikis is working to set him free. 

I am distracted but their process is pushing me to work harder in my own. 

"Dear Argonauts, the second ceremony of your Mythic Voyage is now over..."
I am assisted to sit up, I reach for a bottle of water, hold it in my hands and slowly bring it to my mouth. I felt like a newborn holding a warm bottle of milk. The water tasted like sweet rose and honey. I chugged the whole bottle, got up and was assisted in finding my jaguar runners.

To be continued...
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"OFRENDA" by Luis Tamani
www.luis-tamani.com/product-page/ofrenda
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Hey Universe

1/3/2018

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Hey Universe
I'm talking to you
I've moved to Haida Gwaii to grow my roots, like I want to!

Hey hey heyyyyy yage 
Heyyy yage 
Heyyyyyy yage!

Hey Universe
I'm talking to you
I've got a job being of service, like I planned to!

Hey hey heyyyyy yage
Heyyy yage 
Heyyyyyy yage yage!

Hey Universe
I'm talking to you
I'm teaching myself to play an instrument and apply myself in other areas too!

Hey hey heyyyyy yage
Heyyy yage 
Heyyyyyy yage yage!

Hey Universe
I'm talking to you
I'm waiting for my man that's strong
and funny
and wise 
and handsome 
and crazy about me too!

Hey hey heyyyyy yage
Heyyy yage
Heyyyyyy yage YAGE!

Hey Universe
I'm talking to you
I'm having patience because
I trust you.
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