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My Summer Solstice journey into PRIDE!

6/28/2018

When I find I have slipped into boredom or am “mind fucking” over my current position in life, I find something that will challenge me, make me feel proud!

Switching myself from a place of “ughhhh” to “WEEEEE!”

I love free-flow dance!

For the last years I have lived in and visited communities that hold drug / alcohol-free, movement journeys.

There is no talking.

You go in to the dance space with an intention.

You dance through your worries, you dance your celebrations!

This had been my weekly medicine... until I moved to Haida Gwaii.

First question, is there ecstatic dance here?

No.

I chose to move here for the year, regardless.

I’ve been dancing in the living room, a big open space, filled with love & encouragement to be myself, over looking the ocean, eagles and ravens flying outside the window, with a great sound system.

But something was missing...

Other humans!

There is magic that happens when a group of people move and groove in the same bubble.

At fitness class, I get the vision that I am to create the ecstatic dance space here on the island.

When I finished class, I turned my phone on to see a message from my mother that she thinks I need to start these dances on the island!

For the past month or so I’ve been dreaming it!

“I don’t have enough knowledge about the 5 Rhythms and the way the set has to be created to take people on their journey.”

I ordered a book.

“I don’t know what space would work?”

“Who has speakers? It’s really important to have good sound!”

“Would people here get what it’s all about?”

“What if people show up thinking it’s a party and are drunk!”

“I’d need to make flyers and I don’t know how and don’t have a printer anyways.”

Every possible angle of RESISTANCE comes up!

The next new moon.
I’ll have everything prepared for this date.

It’s close to the date and I still haven’t read the book.

I know that I need a proper program to be able to transition songs.
I can’t just press play on a playlist even if I did make the most epic journey set.
Some songs are too long, I need to be able to move to a new song if the energy needs lifting.

I’m not ready.

Whatever.

Signs flying around that I need to do this.

Someone comes to me, “I heard you are an ecstatic dance instructor!”

That’s it.

Thursday.

I’ll do it THIS THURSDAY.

It happens to also be Summer Solstice. Perfect.

I have 3 days.

I go to the Longhouse in the village and ask if I can see the space, as I’ve heard it sometimes gets rented.

The room is PERFECT for this type of healing space!

Mmmmm.... the smell and feel of cedar!

“What’s the cost to rent the space? Is it available this Thursday?”

“Shall I pencil you in?”

...

Just do it, Phoebe!

I message a friend
“Can you help with sound?”
“Yes!”

Now the scary part... inviting people!

My Ayahuasca ceremony flashes before my eyes, my stomach flips, “what if nobody likes me, Grandmother?”

I sit myself down and type a message to send to a handful of women here on island.

Every butterfly enters my body and begins fluttering, hard!

I get supportive response!

I set myself up in the backyard and pray that I will find the perfect songs and put them in the perfect order to move people through their process.

Flowing.
Staccato.
Chaos.
Lyrical.
Stillness.

I dance the set.
Move this song here.
This song here.
Oh, this would be perfect.
Uhhhhhh this isn’t working

Trust.

I know I’ll make changes but I’ve made a pretty great playlist!

I need to make flyers!

I bike into town, the library is closed but I’m invited in to use the computer anyways!

The computer allows 15 minute sessions only before logging you out.

No time to overthink!

I find a program and whip up a flyer in 8 minutes.

I poster them around town.
Confidently invited people!

No turning back now!

I feel a wave of nervous, sickness coming on.

I flip it into excitement!

I’m excited!

I create a vision for the summer solstice space.

I pack up lace and pink curtains and a couple tapestries.

I pick wild roses to sprinkle in the space.

I write out inspiration on hearts to put up on the walls.

It’s set up time.

My friend is setting up sound, he is slightly frustrating me as I want him to just do the thing while my energy goes into envisioning the space.

We get the sound hooked up!

My man comes to help move tables and chairs.

They both leave.

I finish putting out tea cups, water jugs and hang a Haida hummingbird tapestry above the nectar station.

I put all my hand made signs up.

I put the a small basket by the door, on my Shipibo tapestry from Peru, with rose petals sprinkled on it. This is where people will leave their admission.

This is it Phoebe!

Look what you’ve created in just 3 days!!!!!!

I am now sitting in the middle of the floor, with my hands at my heart and I give thanks.

I crank the music!
I spin!
I twirl!

I take a deep inhale through my nose to smell the cedar and pine.

Flip flop.

It’s almost time!

It’s time!

I made it clear on the invite that people need to be here on time, sharp, for the beginning of the journey.

It’s now 10 past.

Do I start my set when nobody has arrived?

Yes.

It’s now 7:30.

Is anyone going to come?

I decide to step away from control of the music.

You wanted this space to dance!

Dance!

An hour goes by.

Do I secretly not want anyone to come?

Am I too scared of what they will think?

I lose my dance and go back to the table.
Maybe I’ll take this time to learn how to use this DJ program better.

The door opens!

A friend!

I get freaked out as she has now arrived and is the only one on the dance floor.

I feel embarrassed.
I feel awkward for her.

I can remember being her in the moment.

I’m sweating.

I dance with her.

I’m embarrassed.

The music freezes.

Silence.

Uhhhhhh.

The feeling of discomfort is too much.

I blurt and break the “no talking” space.

“I guess I’ll just wrap this up....”

We go outside and chat.

I am spinning.

She leaves.

I get the music back up and running.

I dance.
The sunlight is beaming in the windows.

I dance.

I message my man.

He drives down.
We dance the last songs on my playlist, into stillness.

We pack up.

Lock up.

I begin to feel the crash.

“Will I try this again?”

“I can never fail if I keep trying, if I keep trying I am always getting closer to success!”

“Will this even catch on here?”

“Was my set even good?”

“Can I do all this work again to be in the same position, of being awkward and terrified if anybody or nobody shows up?”

I go to sleep feeling PROUD of what I have again proved to myself that I am capable of, when I apply myself.

No boredom here!

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