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When I find I have slipped into boredom or am “mind fucking” over my current position in life, I find something that will challenge me, make me feel proud! Switching myself from a place of “ughhhh” to “WEEEEE!” I love free-flow dance! For the last years I have lived in and visited communities that hold drug / alcohol-free, movement journeys. There is no talking. You go in to the dance space with an intention. You dance through your worries, you dance your celebrations! This had been my weekly medicine... until I moved to Haida Gwaii. First question, is there ecstatic dance here? No. I chose to move here for the year, regardless. I’ve been dancing in the living room, a big open space, filled with love & encouragement to be myself, over looking the ocean, eagles and ravens flying outside the window, with a great sound system. But something was missing... Other humans! There is magic that happens when a group of people move and groove in the same bubble. At fitness class, I get the vision that I am to create the ecstatic dance space here on the island. When I finished class, I turned my phone on to see a message from my mother that she thinks I need to start these dances on the island! For the past month or so I’ve been dreaming it! “I don’t have enough knowledge about the 5 Rhythms and the way the set has to be created to take people on their journey.” I ordered a book. “I don’t know what space would work?” “Who has speakers? It’s really important to have good sound!” “Would people here get what it’s all about?” “What if people show up thinking it’s a party and are drunk!” “I’d need to make flyers and I don’t know how and don’t have a printer anyways.” Every possible angle of RESISTANCE comes up! The next new moon. I’ll have everything prepared for this date. It’s close to the date and I still haven’t read the book. I know that I need a proper program to be able to transition songs. I can’t just press play on a playlist even if I did make the most epic journey set. Some songs are too long, I need to be able to move to a new song if the energy needs lifting. I’m not ready. Whatever. Signs flying around that I need to do this. Someone comes to me, “I heard you are an ecstatic dance instructor!” That’s it. Thursday. I’ll do it THIS THURSDAY. It happens to also be Summer Solstice. Perfect. I have 3 days. I go to the Longhouse in the village and ask if I can see the space, as I’ve heard it sometimes gets rented.  The room is PERFECT for this type of healing space! Mmmmm.... the smell and feel of cedar! “What’s the cost to rent the space? Is it available this Thursday?” “Shall I pencil you in?” ... Just do it, Phoebe! I message a friend “Can you help with sound?” “Yes!” Now the scary part... inviting people! My Ayahuasca ceremony flashes before my eyes, my stomach flips, “what if nobody likes me, Grandmother?” I sit myself down and type a message to send to a handful of women here on island. Every butterfly enters my body and begins fluttering, hard! I get supportive response! I set myself up in the backyard and pray that I will find the perfect songs and put them in the perfect order to move people through their process. Flowing. Staccato. Chaos. Lyrical. Stillness. I dance the set. Move this song here. This song here. Oh, this would be perfect. Uhhhhhh this isn’t working Trust. I know I’ll make changes but I’ve made a pretty great playlist! I need to make flyers! I bike into town, the library is closed but I’m invited in to use the computer anyways! The computer allows 15 minute sessions only before logging you out. No time to overthink! I find a program and whip up a flyer in 8 minutes.  I poster them around town. Confidently invited people! No turning back now! I feel a wave of nervous, sickness coming on. I flip it into excitement! I’m excited! I create a vision for the summer solstice space. I pack up lace and pink curtains and a couple tapestries. I pick wild roses to sprinkle in the space. I write out inspiration on hearts to put up on the walls. It’s set up time. My friend is setting up sound, he is slightly frustrating me as I want him to just do the thing while my energy goes into envisioning the space. We get the sound hooked up! My man comes to help move tables and chairs. They both leave. I finish putting out tea cups, water jugs and hang a Haida hummingbird tapestry above the nectar station.  I put all my hand made signs up.   I put the a small basket by the door, on my Shipibo tapestry from Peru, with rose petals sprinkled on it. This is where people will leave their admission. This is it Phoebe! Look what you’ve created in just 3 days!!!!!! I am now sitting in the middle of the floor, with my hands at my heart and I give thanks. I crank the music! I spin! I twirl! I take a deep inhale through my nose to smell the cedar and pine. Flip flop. It’s almost time!  It’s time! I made it clear on the invite that people need to be here on time, sharp, for the beginning of the journey. It’s now 10 past. Do I start my set when nobody has arrived? Yes. It’s now 7:30. Is anyone going to come? I decide to step away from control of the music. You wanted this space to dance! Dance! An hour goes by. Do I secretly not want anyone to come? Am I too scared of what they will think? I lose my dance and go back to the table. Maybe I’ll take this time to learn how to use this DJ program better. The door opens! A friend! I get freaked out as she has now arrived and is the only one on the dance floor. I feel embarrassed. I feel awkward for her. I can remember being her in the moment. I’m sweating. I dance with her. I’m embarrassed. The music freezes. Silence. Uhhhhhh. The feeling of discomfort is too much. I blurt and break the “no talking” space. “I guess I’ll just wrap this up....” We go outside and chat. I am spinning. She leaves. I get the music back up and running. I dance. The sunlight is beaming in the windows. I dance. I message my man. He drives down. We dance the last songs on my playlist, into stillness. We pack up. Lock up. I begin to feel the crash. “Will I try this again?” “I can never fail if I keep trying, if I keep trying I am always getting closer to success!” “Will this even catch on here?” “Was my set even good?” “Can I do all this work again to be in the same position, of being awkward and terrified if anybody or nobody shows up?” I go to sleep feeling PROUD of what I have again proved to myself that I am capable of, when I apply myself. No boredom here! 
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Come little hummingbirds With your wings flying fast You bring joy and smiles and a sense of spirit Come little hummingbirds Come little hummingbirds We made this nectar just for you Because you’ve come so far And you’re oh so strong Come little hummingbirds Come little hummingbirds Buzz buzz buzz around Bless us up with your colourful feathers Come little hummingbirds! Dak dak Dak dak diiya Dak dak Dak dak diiya Dak dak! This song is for my man. Sung in true Tierra Mitica style... *snap snap* https://youtu.be/2zNpcvDmdWk Feels like I’m preparring for the Advanced Choice OS! I mean, the medicine starts working with you as soon as you say yes. Where do I start? Daddeo! Where do I start? Pap! Where do I start? Art Dykstra! Where do I start? It doesn’t really matter how I start this song, ‘cause, you’ve been on my journey all along. I know you. You know me. I just wanted to write this song so you could see that your the best father you could be. You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. You’re my dad. You’re building me a house at 29, ‘cause a Honda Civic isn’t an appropriate place to spend my time. You’re doing it with a smile and a laugh, ‘cause your my dad. You’re my dad and a half! You’re the kind of man, I want my man to be. Hardworking. Supportive and funny! Sometimes you might think that I’m crazy. Take a look at yourself, you made me! You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. You’re my dad. Thank you dad, for my Blundstones! Since I got these boots, I feel like I can walk on my own! I know you don’t want to live on Haida Gwaii. Fuck this island! It rains all the time! But I’m glad your here, because I’m here. Home is whenever you and mom are near. You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. You’re my da da daddy ol’ dad. You’re my di di diddy ol’ dad. I’m so happy. I’m so lucky. That you’re my dad! Babe, your an angel Your an angel And when I hold you And when I kiss you Babe, your an angel Your an angel And when I see you And when I smell you Hey It may sound creepy But I I love the way you smell like a mixture of Axe shower gel and tobacco! Babe, your an angel Your an angel And when I hold you And when I kiss you Babe, your an angel Your an angel When I feel you When I taste you Babe, your an angel And I love the way It feels when we lay heart to heart Because babe, that usually means that We become one Two heart becoming one. Babe, Your an angel I’m so grateful That you’ve come down from Heaven to spend this time with me!  What if I told you You’ve been talking since you were two But you never learned how to listen. What if I told you You opened your eyes when you were born But you still don’t know how to see. Still scared to be seen. What if I told you You came here with a set of wings But you still can’t fly. What if I told you You are soaring sky high! You’re the best listener I’ve ever met! Shining bright, hard to forget! What if I told you You’ve got to listen to Your voice inside that says you CAN Over and over and over again Because that voice is the truth!   I was feeling a bit like a lost puppy today. In need of real human companionship. Engagement to get me out of my head. Scrolling through Instagram was only making me feel more alone. I left my cabin with the intention of finding human friends in town. Friends. The things I shy away from most. Boyfriends. Great! Let’s go deep! Friends? Meh. I know I need to break past this. I get to town and head into the grocery store. “Hey Phoebe!” *hug* An awkward and vulnerable... “Hey...” A lengthy 20 seconds of small talk happens as my being is getting hooked and clawed away in fear. “We should hang out sometime!” “Yah....” *Turns and hides down the cookie isle.* FUCK PHOEBE! I spot my 2nd chance. Another girl I have met in passing, who seems nice, walks into the grocery store. I turn. FUCK. A woman who is an ex co-worker smiles, “Hello.” “Hi” As I pretend to be in deep contemplation over which granola bars to get. I see the girl who I think is nice, she’s in the freezer isle. Something pulls me up to her... “I need a girl hug.” “Aw.” *hug* “How are you doing?” “Uhhh... I’m okay... thanks for the hug, bye.” *runs off and quickly gets in the check out line* I flop into my car. I am so disappointed in myself. I pull out my strawberries and eat them with the door open in hopes someone would come up to me and want to talk... I can’t imagine I look very inviting. I remember I am to call my girlfriend Tanis today. A phone call with a friend, another something I prefer to avoid. BUT she had news that I was excited to hear about. I get myself out of the cement parking lot and decide to drive and park somewhere near flowers. Symbolism of beauty, for this important call. On the call, I tell Tanis what had just happened at the store and she gives me a challenge... To make 1 new girlfriend! She says that she also spends all her time at home / with her man and that she too will make a girlfriend! Damnit. But, challenge accepted! We finish up our call and I decide to go where I know I will know someone. My work! The coffee shop! I order a coffee and sit in the window. My back is towards anyone that might try to engage and I am pretending to be interested in the magazine I have placed in front of me... PHOEBE!!! Outside the window I spot a lady who has caught my attention before! She has such a loving, badass, well put together energy! She is walking with a police man but is rolling her eyes and engaging with me through the window! What’s going on? It looks like she wants to talk. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE, PHOEBE! She enters the coffee shop. I turn... “you all good!?!” She sits down! “Are you okay? Why was that policeman with you?” “Oh, that’s my husband!” “I needed him to help me take some photos for my work project but he’s too busy.” “What!!! I’ll help you!” She runs an Instagram account, where she shares the test knitting projects she’s working on in collaboration with knitters! “I’ve been using Instagram forever! This knitted cowl matches me! Can I be your model?” We take some photos. We speak the same lingo! She shows me around the online knitter community. She pulls out her knitting and teaches me about stitches! I am interested! We chit chat, girl talk for over an hour! I am so surprised and proud of myself when I become present and see that I am having a real conversation with someone. She confesses that she is super shy so doesn’t usually talk like this with people!!! WHAT! I tell her how I was challenged today to break through my barriers and make a girlfriend! She tells me how she actually was walking over to the coffee shop in hopes that the girl, Phoebe, who works at the coffee shop, could snap a quick photo for her. I didn’t even work today but happened to be sitting in there! Sitting in there, actually waiting for her!!!!! *TRIP* She sends me the photos over text, we hug and she HANDS ME THE KNITTED COWL AS A GIFT! My jaw dropped to the floor. I just kept saying “WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!” “Thank you Phoebe, see you around.” I pop the scarf over my head, (just about faint) and prance up to the counter where my INCREDIBLE women co-workers are standing. “I love working here! I’m so grateful for this job! I can’t wait to come in to work tomorrow!” The comfortable chats turn into... “we should form a girl band and perform here in the coffee shop!” Ha! Flying high!!!! Feeling a hole in my being, fill with love and belonging. Now Phoebe, I challenge you to say “YES” to the next friendship outing you are invited to. No excuses. And... GO!  I still chew my nails, they look like this!!! 😲  Feels like I was just offered a free scholarship to the university of my DREAMS!!! Wow! Wow! Wow! Going DEEP DIVING! 15 days of advanced self-work in the high jungles of Peru at happiness research centre, Tierra Mitica!!! https://www.tierramitica.com/advanced-choice-workshop-2/ This will be following a week of collective art at the MYTHIC PARTY!!!! https://youtu.be/tL2HpF-LaYk Guess that intention, focused hard work, and proud dedication really does pay off!!! Here’s some of what I will be immersed in for my time in Peru! (Here was my face when I read this list for my first time.... Been working SO fucking hard, I DESERVE THIS!!!! 😭) 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼  SUBJECTS:
CREATIVITY, INSPIRATION, SCULPTING, PAINTING, SONG WRITING AND PERFORMING. TIME-SPACE PROBABILITY MANIPULATION UNDERSTANDING THE MASCULINE AND THE FEMININE. SEDUCTION, SENSUALITY AND SEXUALITY, ENLIGHTENED SEXUALITY. THE ART OF ENLIGHTENED RELATIONSHIP SYMBOLISM- READING THE SIGNS AND POWERFUL TRANSMISSIONS. DREAMING A PROJECT INTO BEING THE ENERGY WORLD, HOW TO UNDERSTAND IT, CONNECT TO IT AND USE IT TO YOUR BENEFIT. AYAHUASCA, HOW TO LIVE AND EXPERIENCE HER VIBRATION WITHOUT THE BREW. THE ART OF MAKING THINGS RIGHT. DEALING WITH PARENTS I’m 6 months into TRUSTING my 1 year plan... only 7 more months until I return to STEP. IT. UP!!!! I see you in the corner there Maybe you are carving a bear? I see you in the corner there Working in the corner But I don’t care because... Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses hey yaaa oooo I see you at your desk there With your tools in hand And your focused stare I see you at your desk there Focused at your desk... But I don’t care because.... Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses hey yaaa oooo I see a sexy man there With black stone dust everywhere I see a sexy man there He’s got Argillite on his lips Do I dare!? Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses ooooo Argillite kisses hey yaaa oooo *SMOOOOOOCH*  |
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