I’m sitting in the Aleeda Motel in Prince Rupert, BC.
I just went for a jog.
Had a hot shower.
I’m drinking my morning coffee.

I love the way the coffee drops stick to the outside of my new mug.
It reminds me of the mugs my dad would leave in the milk-house in the barn.
Once a collection was made, my mom would hook them on her fingers, fill her arms and haul them back in the kitchen to be washed.

My boyfriend is going to school for resource management.
I hopped on the ferry to come spend some time with him, somewhere other than in our home on the island.
New energy, new scenery.
What could pavement do for us?
I’m glad I did.
Our love grows deeper, stronger, with every hurdle we are able to leap.
He’s used to women running.
I’m a woman who’s used to running.
Everytime I stay, a wound mends within each of us.
Creating more space for us to bond together.

I’m so proud of him.
Making positive changes, battling his demons.
I feel him deeper than ever before.
His heart opens and I melt into it.

I am just over 1 month away from completing my 1 year plan!
I’ve found my reference points.
I have a home, a man, a part-time service industry job.
I’ve spent the year doing what I never believed I could.
I’ve cooked, painted, started a garden.
I’ve paid off half of my credit card.
I’ve started playing Baritone, Ukulele.
I’ve written my own songs.
I’ve performed my own writing in front of audiences!
I’ve started this blog!
I spent this year eating what scared me / eating what I wanted!
I live my life doing what I used to fear / run from.
I am the medicine, it’s all within me.
I trust!

I’ve become a woman!
I’m so proud!

What’s next is a mystery!
I am ready to work!
I’m healthy, strong and ready to go for it!
I will return to Tierra Mitica in January for the Advanced work!
I pray to leave with new motivation and a clear vision!
A concrete plan of how to move forward with my dreams.

I want to be a performer!
I want to share my voice with the world.

I’m ready to come out from my hiding.

Phoebe Dykstra will return in a whole new way!

Get prepared world!!!!

Until then... 2 more solid months of work before I return to Peru!
Gotta make it count!

Work at The Ground!
Jog and/or Yoga everyday!
Write!

Be the best fucking woman to my man!

... try to take over the world!!! Muahahaha!

The depths of the deep.
A storm passing through.
Venus Retrograde.
Full Moon.
Love being tested.
How long can we play?
Choosing our paths.
Are we headed the same way?
Difficult choices.
They need to be made.
For I will not go in circles.
I cannot stay in the shade.
Rise with me baby.
I see you.
If peace is your biggest dream.
Let’s make it come true!
For peace is trust.
And trust is a muscle.
Let’s join the gym.
Let’s get that hustle!

I knew I needed to offer to perform some of my writing, the moment the fundraiser was announced, but nah, I ignored my gut. Whenever the organizer would make a post about it, my tummy would flip and I knew what I was supposed to do.

I got a Facebook message asking if I could volunteer with set up or take down, I ignored the message and it fucked with me for days.

“Phoebe, do you want to attend the fundraiser together?”
“I don’t know if I’m going.”

PHOEBE!!!! OFFER YOUR VOICE!!!!!!

I’ve only shared my writing (besides my scripts on television for 4 years!) 2 times, both at the library’s open-mic, which by the way, the next one is in 2 days and I still don’t have new material ready!

I was scared.

I’m taking a nap the night before and I hear a knock on my door, it’s my neighbour bringing me some fresh halibut! I ask her if she is going to the fundraiser.
“Are you performing?” she asks.
Damnit!

PHOEBE!

I wrap and freeze the halibut then get started on planning my set.
I message the organizer and offer to volunteer my voice with a couple poems and a song.
She says “Cool, sure!”

It’s official.
No turning back.

I’m confident in my living room, I’ve got my writing memorized.

I get to the hall and feel dizzy, the hall is packed with familiar faces on people I barely know.

I can’t do this.
How can I go in front of these people and share what’s in my heart if I can hardly ask them how their day was.

Is my biggest fear getting up on stage or is my biggest fear being a part of the community?

Maybe I can give the organizer a donation and I can leave.
Phoebe!
You committed!

Maybe I’ll change my whole set.

I bend over to let the blood flow to my head.
The dragons are winning.

I mash a sugary donut in whip cream and jam and shove it in my face.
The dragons are winning.

The auction is about to start and I haven’t even bought my tickets.
I stuff my tickets in the bag for the painting I love.

“Phoebe!”

My name is drawn, I win the painting!

The Universe is rewarding me for my bravery, I feel supported, I feel lucky, I open up!

The man who did the painting, opens the night of performances with his guitar and song, he sings of Ayahuasca medicina, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I get up in front of our community, have the spotlight put on me and away I go, into my zone!

*The fundraiser raised the money they need to hire a helicopter to fly over the island, showing the most recent clear cuts.

I found the claw you hooked into my ear.
Where you were energetically draining me.
I’ve smudged it away.
Returning my power.
No more fucking with me.

Mother spider weaves an iridescent web.
An aura to protect me.
I hold the sun in my palms.
Pulling it into my heart.
Compassion placed over yours.

But there’s more.

An umbilical chord
Thick like an anteater’s trunk.
It’s now delicately sliced.
Drying, shrivelling back to you.

My hand brings rainbow healing light.
Finally it’s just us two.

Is it okay to not like someone?

Is it okay to not trust someone?

I trust, I like myself!

If it’s my fault, I’m powerful, always!

But is it possible that some people are stuck in their paradoxes?

Their anger?

They are gossipy and their intentions can’t be trusted?

Or is it ALL reflections of me?!