11 months ago, if you were to ask me, "what is my greatest fear?"
I would tell you, that it would be, to become a house wife, giving MY life over to some children.
8 months ago, I became a wife.
8 months ago, I chose to quit working, my focus for this year was to slow myself down, embrace my feminine energy, make us a beautiful home, cook our meals and embrace the luxury of being fully supported by my man.
4 months ago, we decided I would stop taking birth control, we wanted to have a baby. We put quartz crystal pieces on our altars to symbolize the life we wished to manifest.
2 months ago, I conceived. I am pregnant!
From Maiden to Mother, in the 20 seconds it took to read our pregnancy test.
For the last 2 months, I have been in my first trimester.
You have not seen me, as I have been in our home, making beautiful flower mandala art, but mostly resting on the couch.
I have been sick throughout the days, eating only what my body wouldn’t reject, potatoes, dairy and of course dill pickles.
For the past 2 months, I embraced the tiny growing berry in my belly, embraced another soon-to-be-being as my priority.
For the first time in my life, I felt a real connection to the ground, a mother lioness on all 4’s.
We walked with care, together to the dance floor.
I announced the news to my family, to my mother that she will be a grandma, to my father a grandpa and my sister, the coolest auntie.
I reached out to friends around the world, picking up the phone to call my cousin I hadn’t talked to in years.
I sat in circle with the vision of my ancestors and teachers cheering “we knew you could do it, Phoebe!”
I wept as it felt I had reached a plateau, one I had been climbing towards for many years.
Daily I smudged away the dark voices that would come, telling me that I am only having a baby, because I have failed at everything else I have tried, "cool backup plan, LOSER!", they would cackle in my ears.
“If you can believe it, you are going to love this baby, more than you love your cat. It’s going to be magic!” my mom said to me, with a smile.
1 week ago I went for my ultra sound. You have a blighted ovum Phoebe, I’m sorry, your body is fully pregnant, but there is no fetus, you are not growing a baby.
"Everything is exactly, divinely as it should be." I responded. I believed this, I fully trust nature.
2 days ago, I chose to have a self induced miscarriage, at home.
My husband made me pancakes in bed, and there I stayed for the day, allowing my body to release a beautiful experience, release the illusion of my little berry to be.
With it, I released the access hormones, the swollen breasts, the nausea, dizzyness and disability to any foods green.
1 day ago, I leaped out of bed, putting on my skinny jeans, which I thought I couldn’t fit, I had returned to 2 months ago me.
Tonight we will have a fire ceremony, to honour the mother and father we were ready to step up to be, the dream of this child and what we could not have butterflies without, Change.
This is not the story of a lost pregnancy, a death, a grieving or a pity me.
This is life, and I embrace it all. The twists, the turns, the beautiful mystery.
Why did this happen to me? I don't need to know, but THANK YOU.
What have I learned? That I have only skimmed the surface of my potential to love.
What an experience!