My latest Heart Bloom mandala was birthed this week, from an open-hearted, celebratory place. A place of reclaiming my sense of Connection, to Myself, surprisingly THROUGH opening to the people I love.
My first interview as Phoebe van der Wart.
*thank you Rebecca, for daring to make the Choice that would make you feel Proud vs. comfortable and safe - the time spent with you through the duration of prep, interview and post, has been a pleasure through and through. I believe in you woman & am honoured to call you a friend.*
On day #1 of The Artist Way course, I made a tremendous discovery about myself. It’s important for my process that I share along the way.
WHY has my whole life been about music and art? Why have all my friend’s been musicians and artists? Why didn’t my job of selling t-shirts for my favourite band’s fulfil me? Why didn’t my dream career as an MTV host fulfill me? How have I landed in an entirely new reality, to find myself again, being surrounded by musicians and artists… Why is this MY passion, yet I am not pursuing it? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have been, a Shadow Artist.
“Artists themselves but ignorant of their true identity, shadow artists are found shadowing declared artists. Unable to recognize that they themselves may possess the creativity they so admire. They often date or marry people who actively pursue the art career they themselves secretly long for. Artists love other artists. Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe but cannot yet claim their birthright. Very often audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist-hiding in the shadows, afraid to step out and expose the dream to the light, fearful that it will disintegrate to the touch. Shadow artists often choose shadow careers - those close to the desired art, even parallel to it, but not the art itself.” - Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way.
When I was a little girl, my dream was to be a singer / performer on stage, but my dragon repeatedly asked “What if nobody likes me?” in my head. I changed my dream to being an MTV host, where everyday I would be surrounded by, affiliated with, the people living my real dreams. I got the job, it wasn’t enough. The dissonance became too much for me, I quit the job and went on a deep journey to find out “Who am I?”
After years of focussed self development work, including, facing and taming my dragons, I made the choice, I know who I am.
“In order to move from the realm of shadows into the light of creativity, shadow artists must learn to take themselves seriously. With gentle, deliberate effort, they must nurture their artists child. Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to allow themselves to play is hard work.”
Today for my Artist Date, a time to PLAY, I decided to take my 20 year old self, back to my darkest years, when dancing to hardcore screaming emo music was my therapy. I became a fanatic with these band, getting them tattooed on me, following them around and eventually working for them. Today, as younger Phoebe and I throw down like old times, dancing and shaking our stuck emotions away, I hear, that Alexisonfire had been trying to tell me something “you say that you’re in control, you say that you are. I can’t think of a time, when you looked less alive. Just wait until light, my dear, just wait until light. One more day will go by, maybe today you should try. Look past the mirror and find, that there’s something inside, something more to your life. My words won’t heal you now, it is you who decides.”
Yes, yes it is.
So, this is me exposing my dream to the light, and vowing to takes baby steps towards living the musical and artistic life, that I have always dreamed, but have never dared to.
One trap I often find myself in, is not giving myself enough credit, enough pats on the back, I don’t take the time to really feel the Pride for things, yah know? I’ve been discovering that really Feeling that Pride for yourself, inside, is Self Love. 💓
Today, as I am sorting through our house, purging the old, and preparing for our big move, to the city, I have come across an old USB “Purple Powa” I called it. Inside the USB I found folders of photos from the photoshoots Andrew, @theescapemovement & I had done! I also found a photo of myself with a black scarf draped over my head, standing, in awe of Wat Rong Khun, the mind blowing temple, (that is still in creation!) in Chiang Rai, Thailand. I remembered how on this day, as I walked across the art inlayed floors and gazed at the paintings kept secret inside the White Temple itself, I had a vision of creating a bamboo clothing line, with a lotus design inspired by one of Chalermchai Kositpipat ’s flowers (thank you @mugwortdesigns for bringing this idea to life!).
This Vision wasn’t something that had come to me, and I let it float away, this was a Vision I grabbed ahold of and I took action to make the Vision, Real! By pitching the idea to my friend who runs a clothing company, together (across bumpy planes, as I was unstable within myself. 🌸) we Persevered and BROUGHT IT TO LIFE! The Vision I had, that day in the temple, was something REAL now, I could wear it! I had released a bamboo, art infused, clothing collection.
Oh and the clothing collection, @increasefrequency sold out!
So, today, I am giving the younger version of myself (the young lady you see in this photo) a pat on the back, a hug actually, because I am Proud of her, and I don’t think I ever told her. 💜
This mandala is for my mother-in-love, Vallerie.
Thank you for introducing me to your favourite (my new favourite) flower, the Fuchsia!
Looks like my ‘Heart Bloom’ mandalas are morphing, Blooming into creations from my Heart.
I took my Little Phoebe, on our first #ArtistDate today.
1 hour a week, where I spend doing something that my little self would have fun doing, to cultivate play and nourish my creativity.
Today I went down the beach with my basket, collected rocks, pebbles, shells and CRABS to make a crab mandala!
New Moon in Cancer tomorrow too.
I flip flopped for a year, but finally made a choice! I want to be somewhere else.
Haida Gwaii, I leave this month, but not without giving you another song!
11 months ago, if you were to ask me, "what is my greatest fear?"
I would tell you, that it would be, to become a house wife, giving MY life over to some children.
8 months ago, I became a wife.
8 months ago, I chose to quit working, my focus for this year was to slow myself down, embrace my feminine energy, make us a beautiful home, cook our meals and embrace the luxury of being fully supported by my man.
4 months ago, we decided I would stop taking birth control, we wanted to have a baby. We put quartz crystal pieces on our altars to symbolize the life we wished to manifest.
2 months ago, I conceived. I am pregnant!
From Maiden to Mother, in the 20 seconds it took to read our pregnancy test.
For the last 2 months, I have been in my first trimester.
You have not seen me, as I have been in our home, making beautiful flower mandala art, but mostly resting on the couch.
I have been sick throughout the days, eating only what my body wouldn’t reject, potatoes, dairy and of course dill pickles.
For the past 2 months, I embraced the tiny growing berry in my belly, embraced another soon-to-be-being as my priority.
For the first time in my life, I felt a real connection to the ground, a mother lioness on all 4’s.
We walked with care, together to the dance floor.
I announced the news to my family, to my mother that she will be a grandma, to my father a grandpa and my sister, the coolest auntie.
I reached out to friends around the world, picking up the phone to call my cousin I hadn’t talked to in years.
I sat in circle with the vision of my ancestors and teachers cheering “we knew you could do it, Phoebe!”
I wept as it felt I had reached a plateau, one I had been climbing towards for many years.
Daily I smudged away the dark voices that would come, telling me that I am only having a baby, because I have failed at everything else I have tried, "cool backup plan, LOSER!", they would cackle in my ears.
“If you can believe it, you are going to love this baby, more than you love your cat. It’s going to be magic!” my mom said to me, with a smile.
1 week ago I went for my ultra sound. You have a blighted ovum Phoebe, I’m sorry, your body is fully pregnant, but there is no fetus, you are not growing a baby.
"Everything is exactly, divinely as it should be." I responded. I believed this, I fully trust nature.
2 days ago, I chose to have a self induced miscarriage, at home.
My husband made me pancakes in bed, and there I stayed for the day, allowing my body to release a beautiful experience, release the illusion of my little berry to be.
With it, I released the access hormones, the swollen breasts, the nausea, dizzyness and disability to any foods green.
1 day ago, I leaped out of bed, putting on my skinny jeans, which I thought I couldn’t fit, I had returned to 2 months ago me.
Tonight we will have a fire ceremony, to honour the mother and father we were ready to step up to be, the dream of this child and what we could not have butterflies without, Change.
This is not the story of a lost pregnancy, a death, a grieving or a pity me.
This is life, and I embrace it all. The twists, the turns, the beautiful mystery.
Why did this happen to me? I don't need to know, but THANK YOU.
What have I learned? That I have only skimmed the surface of my potential to love.
What an experience!
My latest ‘Heart Bloom’ piece, created with the Intention of best capturing my own inner essence.
A gift for a sweet and special someone. 🌸
Thank you hubby for the supplies 💕 Mom for the shells 💕 & Our local crystal shop @crystalcabingallery for the Quartz. 💕.