What Am I Most Good At, Grandmother? (Part II)

I had drank Ayahuasca before, but this time I was going in with tools to navigate the experience. 
I was to ask my intention and wait for a response. 
I was to continue asking Grandmother Ayahuasca questions surrounding my intention, until I got an answer that made me FEEL. 
This can take hours and can be extremely challenging detective work.
I was to dig, dig, dig through my subconscious, until I found my answer.
I had 4 hours.

The shamans began to sing their Icaros, which was my cue to lay down on my mat.
I lay my arms by my side, palms up, knowing I was not to move for the duration of the ceremony.
Not only was I not to fidget, I was forewarned that my body would try to distract me from getting to my answer so, no matter what happens, to be strong and focus on my intention!
Adam from our hosting team came over, put a big blanket on me and tucked me in. 
It felt comforting to be tucked in by a strong man. 
I put my scarf over my eyes.
Laying for 4 hours without moving sounded next level challenging for someone with a diagnosed ADHD mind.
There was no way I could also go that amount of time without opening my eyes to peek at what was going on around me!
I was now comfortable. 
Niloufar from our hosting team came over and whispered in my ear.
"I need you to take the scarf off your eyes. It's not good symbolism. You can do this!"
I trust and allow her to remove my scarf.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

Distrust crept into my mind, I wondered if the Ayahuasca was watered down and tonight's ceremony was a placebo to see if we could get our answers without the plant teacher's help.

​Even if I wasn't feeling the medicine, I was instructed to work. 

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

Nothing.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

I began to have a remembrance of being in the high-school band.
I tried out the clarinet, I didn't enjoy it.
I tried out drums, it was complicated, I didn't like it.
My mom paid for my piano lessons, I remember being pretty good, I even went into competitions. I didn't like practicing and my piano teacher Thalia always came over when celebrity gossip TV show "Entertainment Tonight" was on. I quit.
I remembered taking a pottery class, one class.
I remembered taking dance classes, they felt too structured, I hated going. 
I started to think about how much I love ecstatic dance, unstructured, freeform dance. 

"Am I most good at dancing, Grandmother?"

All of a sudden I could feel the Ayahuasca repairing my weak knees. 
The sensation was unlike anything I've felt. 
I wasn't having visions of my knees being worked on, I was fully present, feeling a force inside my skin, in with the blood and muscles, healing my knees!
I stayed with this for a while, it was astounding!

My teacher, Mikis said that my body would try to distract me but he also said that the right answer is the one that makes you FEEL. 
I am feeling!

"Am I most good at dancing?"

My right knee and thigh made a really strong twitch, one that could have been seen across the room. I got the feeling that my body was giving me answers! I've sat with Ayahuasca many times and have never had a visionary experience, maybe this is my way of getting answers, through my body. 

"Grandmother, is dancing what I am most good at?"

My thigh began to twitch really hard.
My feet and ankles shot out to the side.
My feet then went into a deep arch as if ballerina slippers had been put on my feet and I was on stage about to begin a performance.

I could feel the hosting team walking around the room, could they read my mind to know if I am working or distracted? This work is for you Phoebe, focus.

"Am I supposed to be a ballerina, Grandmother?"

It seemed crazy but it was the answer that was making me feel! 
I could see how it could make sense, I had just began loving baby pink and I've already gone through much body and identity struggles in my life, so I'd be strong in that aspect. 

Really though, a ballerina?

How the energy was moving through my body, I wondered if I'm meant to be an energy healer, something shamanic, or maybe a channeller. 

"Am I most good at energy work, Grandmother?"

All of a sudden I had Justin Bieber laying down and I was doing a form of energy work over his heart. Gently tapping his chest. 

I then began to think about the masculine and the feminine, about having a partner one day. 

"Am I most good at being a partner, Grandmother?"

(Specifically meaning, Justin Bieber's partner.)

I then went into imaginary situations of us buying sheep carpets and giant crystals together for our new home.
Would we live together or would I want my own home?
Would I want him to be in his masculine and buy me my home or would I want to work and pay for it myself?
Would I even want to be with him or do I just like the idea of him? 
Maybe "I just need somebody to loooooove..."

The thought crept in that maybe I was distracted...

...to be continued.

"TITA" by Luis Tamani
"Tribute to all the grandmothers of medicine : the weaver grandmothers, the ceramists grandmothers, these grandmothers who know their plants, who know their songs... These grandmothers who, by simply playing, transmit their knowledge to their children and to the children of their children."