What If Nobody LIKES Me, Grandmother? - AUDIO.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
By: Phoebe Dykstra

Written for your reading pleasure or... Kick your jaguar runners off, put your headphones on, lay back and allow me to  take you through one of the most powerful journeys that led to my most recent transformation.
Light some Palo Santo if you've got.

This is my personal journey into myself, with guidance from my teacher, Mikis Hasson.
With assistance from master plant teacher, Grandmother Ayahuasca.

PART 1
After my first sit in the hot seat, it was evident that I was fucked.
I was asked by my teacher Mikis, in my consultation, in front of the group "Who are you Phoebe?" I froze.
I never knew how to answer that question, my self-confidence levels low.
"Well, who are you?"
"Uh... I'm 29"
"Okay."
"I'm funny, sometimes"
"You are funny sometimes?"
"I like animals. No, I love animals"
I went quiet and started to well up.
"I'm useless, I'm ugly..."
I could feel everyone in the room feeling me.
My body covered in goosebumps.
I shook.
Rain began to pour from the sky.
The jungle was crying with me.

Mikis asks "Are you fake?"
Soaked in tears but fully trusting this workshop was going to be my turning point, I pondered the question.
I remembered when I was a TV personality, people liked me because I was "authentic" maybe authentic in comparison to other talking heads... I responded "sometimes?"
"Are you fake, Phoebe?"
"Yes" I responded, sitting with the idea.

At the end of this consultation, Mikis said, if I'd like, the hosting team could give me a make-over.

I've always created my appearance. I started colouring my hair in grade 6 and getting funky haircuts shortly after. I went through every phase imaginable.

Avril Lavigne: Thick black make-up and Dickies pants.
Snowboarder chick: Only wore "Roxy" brand.
Olsen Twin: Hobo chic, chunky thrift store jewellery, which led me to form an eating disorder... control.
"Gangsta" girl: Wearing Baby Phat, doing hard drugs, coupled with a boyfriend who was an Eminem look-a-like.

Screamo-scene-chick: Black hair, gauged ears, piercings.
​
Eventually I became a MuchMusic / MTV personality, having myself dressed up in all sorts of trendy looks. Fake hair, fake nails, fake smile. I never fully trusted the producers, make-up artists or hair and wardrobe stylists to make me look how I wanted. I was definitely a challenge to work with. I quit the TV industry and moved to be with a small hippie community, what mask to wear now... do I stop dying my hair? No make-up? Stop shaving my armpits? Who should I be?

Okay hosting team, I NEED REAL PERMANENT CHANGE. Help!

I cringed as Sara cut my hair short. She felt that the shaved sides and mullet was giving mixed messages. I agreed. She pulled out a box of BROWN hair dye. I began to shake. Boring, brown box dye. I felt they were trying to make me boring, a for sure fear. I bit my tongue to keep my mouth shut. My appearance has ALWAYS been my one control. I handed it over. Aura and Brielle gathered some dresses for me. They were not cool seeming, exactly the point.

I felt like a newborn baby but looked much closer to my actual age than ever before!
The crowd went wild!

Fast forward our first Ayahuasca ceremony and many looks from Mikis to stop putting the "silly show" on... it was time for our second night of Ayahuasca.

We had a very long day in the Airport (our classroom in the jungle). Everyone eager for their night's intentions. After working with many, Mikis takes the tobacco to his lips, looks at me and everyone goes quiet.

"Phoebe, I have your intention. It's a hard one, are you ready to work?"
"Yes!"

"What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? Phoebe, to be clear, the question is LIKES not loves. I'm going to help you but you need to work hard."

Everyone was dismissed to change into their ceremony clothing, the jungle was dry so tonight, we drank under the stars.

I stayed behind the group, "Mikis?" "Yes?"
I got nervous and my eyes started to fill, shakey, I open my mouth, "I just want you to know that I've been living out of my car, I don't have a home or a job..." "Phoebe, I know." "Please help me." He looks at me like a father to a daughter "I'm going to help you, I promise you, but I need you to work." "Okay." We hug. "If I was your father, I'd be proud. I am proud."

I scurry to my room, relieved, thankful and motivated to work my ass off in ceremony tonight, no matter what I have to face!

TO BE CONTINUED...

PART 2
I strapped on the headlamp my dad gave me and slipped on my jaguar runners.

"What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?"
I repeated my intention, engraving it into my being as we walked down the trail to Babushka, the outdoor ceremony floor.
I thought of my Gramma Rose.

She called her scarves "Babushkas", I haven't thought of this word in many years.

[Babushka: Russian word meaning grandmother, used to mean an old woman or a type of headscarf.]

I knew tonight was going to be potent.
I was going in fearless, determined.
I requested to sit close to the shamans.

The cup was big.
It took me two huge gulps to get it down. The smell of tobacco mixed with the taste of the Ayahuasca became overwhelming, I bit my lip to show my body who was in charge.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?

The shamans began to sing.

I laid on my back, arms by my side, eyes closed and was tucked in with a big wool blanket. Straight to work.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?

I immediately began to imagine the playground of the school I went to when I was young.

What if nobody at the school likes me, Grandmother?

I went over each one of my grade school crushes. I said their name in my mind, remembered an occasion when I was nervous around them and felt they didn't like me back.

One by one I went through every girl that bullied me. I said the name of the one that put me through the most hell. I got stumped on her last name. Why couldn't I remember her last name? I repeated my intention again, to keep it clear in my mind, in case the Ayahuasca was about to take me over. What was her last name? Never-mind her last name, "What if Sasha doesn't like me?" I remembered being at her house in grade 8. I remembered her basement having walls filled with movies, she had every "thing." I always felt her parents were too busy so they bought her stuff to make up for lost love and attention. I remembered her being at my house, telling my mother lies to her face at the kitchen table. I thought she was a liar. Wait, what if I didn't like HER?

I thought of being at another one of my bully's homes. This girl, a fake.

I thought about an ex co-worker. We never got along, I thought she was fake.

Wait, what if everyone that didn't like me, I actually didn't like either?

I could feel my friend and fellow workshop mate Markus, restless. He was laying on the mattress next to me. He began to mumble and call "Aura" for help. Another friend and workshop mate to my right began to talk to herself and call "Aura"'for help.

The medicine came on stronger.

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?

Markus screams "HELP ME!"

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?
​
"HELP ME! HELP ME!"

One of our helpers rushes over to assist Mark.

I felt terror.
Focus Phoebe!

What if nobody at high-school liked me?
I get flashes of my high-school bullies.
What if nobody here in the workshop likes me?

Mark's speech goes back and fourth between English and German. He is moving around. I can feel his fear. He starts to flail his arms and legs everywhere, shouting. I could feel the presence of something that wasn't him.

Sara from our hosting team calmly comes up to my ear and whispers "stay focused on your intention Phoebe, your brother is fighting for his life."

My feeling of love for him override my feelings of fear.

Something black, the size of a bowling ball hits me in the chest. It feels demonic. I tighten up but refuse to open my eyes or move my limbs. *Thud*, what feels and looks like a black panther slams into the side of me.

I scream.
I can hear and feel black dogs sniffing around my head.
They are sniffing for fear to feed on.

I shift my energy.

What if nobody likes me?
What if I LIKE ME?

I started at my feet.
I like my feet!
I like my ankles!
I like my legs!
I like you legs!

The dogs leave but I am scared these parts of Mark are going to come back.

I like you belly!
I like you arms!
What if nobody likes me?
I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME!

Mikis is called to the ceremony floor, he creates distance between Mark and the rest of the group.

I call and ask for a worker to come sit by me. I told them I am scared something will jump on me. They re-assured me I am safe and encourage me to focus on my intention.

What if nobody on Instagram likes me?
What if nobody on twitter likes me?
"LIKES" me.
Oh.
I began to think about how much time was spent doing #phoebesdailyoutfit photos and how many likes I'd get.
How little likes I get now.

I can hear Mark going back and fourth between personalities, Mikis is working to set him free.
I am distracted but their process is pushing me to work harder in my own.

"Dear Argonauts, the second ceremony of your Mythic Voyage is now over..."

I am assisted to sit up, I reach for a bottle of water, hold it in my hands and slowly bring it to my mouth. I feel like a newborn holding a warm bottle of milk. The water tasted like sweet rose and honey. I chugged the whole bottle, got up and was assisted in finding my jaguar runners.

TO BE CONTINUED...

PART 3
Arm in arm, I am guided up the jungle trail, where we would meet as a group to have Chamomile tea.

I am like a frail patient in my oversized white gown.

I am exhausted from working with my subconscious but am also holding back giggles.
I softly sing, "in the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight..." holding back the urge to full out belt to the stars, "AWOOOOO OO OO O AWEEEE UM BUMBAWAYYYYYY!"

I am seated at the corner of the table, the chair closest to the door, high traffic zone.
It seems that most of my fellow workshop mates have come back down to Earth.
Surprisingly, even Markus.

Martine sat next to me.
I could feel an energetic chord between the two of us.
We were acquaintances before the workshop.
I didn't feel like giving attention or being drained by the energy between us but was very much in the medicine still and was here to work.
I'm irritated by her slump.
Shake it off.
Why doesn't she see her worth?
I try to ignore what I'm meant to learn.
I start making little sounds and gesturing her way, to make her smile.

There are friends purging, there are friends who are present, rejoicing in the gift of life. Our hosting team is at our service.

Mikis is with us.

He smiles at me from across the table, "Everything is going to be okay, Phoebe."
I felt taken care of, with family.

Some people went to bed, I felt there was more for me to discover.

I didn't know why, but I got up from the table.
I went over to sit on the couch near the boys.
They were smoking cigarettes, it was too much, I walked away.
I wanted to sit by the boys, I wanted to be snuggled up on the couch in their arms.
I'll bare the smoke.
I love them.
I sat by Niklas.
Markus was on a chair in front of me.
I love them.
One of our workers Adam was to my right.

I was looking for my reference point.

I wanted one of them to step up and be the masculine.
Be my anchor.
Take the lead, pick the direction.
Hold me.
Be there so I could dance.

I was now snuggled up with Nik on my left and Mark on my right.
I giggle and look around the room like "Look guys, Heaven is real!"
I wanted to keep them.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?

I put my hand on Nick's heart.
I wanted to feel him.
He was closed off.
He'd been closed off for a long time.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?

Pierre pulled up a chair.
Pierre was much older than me, I wasn't interested in him being my forever anchor but enjoyed the feeling of safety and security when he hugged me as little Phoebe.

This was fun.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?

I roll to my side and hug Markus.
I'm so proud of him.
I'm so thankful for him.
I'm excited to tell him how his journey influenced mine.
I hold his hand and move it around to test if he is able to pay attention to me while being anchored and solid in a conversation with someone else.
*Ahhh* my body relaxes into him.
Calm.
I remember the first time I saw him.
I've felt him so deeply in every group share.
His flaws are so special.
I feel him.
I want to tell him everything!
I want to tell him how his demons were terrifying but his demons helped me focus and that I love him and "BE MY ANCHOR FOREVER!"

Aura smiles at me, "Think it's time for bed, we have a big day tomorrow."

I lay in bed.
Wide awake from the Ayahuasca.
I decide I wouldn't need anything else if I could just be in Mark's arms forever.
I'll move to Germany!
I'm too excited to sleep.
I sense the sniffing black dogs surrounding Okopua.
I fall asleep with a smile.

TO BE CONTINUED...

FINAL PART
I feel happy when I see Markus at the breakfast table.
He looks handsome in white.
I put my arms around him.
My whole being, including my face, smiles.
He feels so nice.

The only seat open at the table is by Martine.
I normally keep quiet while I'm eating but I give her a friendly "good morning" and tell her I'm open to talking if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

We finish eating and as a group, make our way to The Airport, our classroom in the jungle.

It's post Ayahuasca consultation time.

I was as eager to be called into the hot seat as I was to hear everyone's journeys, especially Nik and Markus's.

8 hours go by and we haven't made it through half of the group's consultations.

9 hours.
10 hours.
11.

It's time for dinner, time for bed.

I was disappointed to have not been able to review my ceremony with the group as I wanted to share when I was still feeling the medicine and the experience was fresh in my mind.

We aren't allowed to talk about our ceremonies until we have shared first with the entire group.
I was also eager to tell my story.

I knew that I'd share at the perfect time.
Everything was exactly, deliciously as it should be.

I call dibs to take my turn 3rd the next day.
We go to bed.

The excitement turns to anxiousness when I finally reach the hot seat.
How do I sit to show good symbolism?
No squirming!
I down a glass of water and pour myself some coffee.

"Hello Phoebe"

"Hi"

"What was your intention?"

"What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?"

"...and"

I tell Mikis that I worked really hard.

I tell him how I thought of my elementary school bullies, high school bullies, my first crushes.

How the bullies didn't like me but I didn't like them either, I thought they were fake.

I tell him about Markus's demons jumping all over me, the black panther, the sniffing dogs.
I tell him how I'm terrified but I know that these entities feed on fear so I shifted my energy to thinking about parts of myself I like.
"I like my ankles!" "I like my legs!"

Mikis is impressed with my work.

I tell him that I Love Markus so I was okay with his demons jumping on me and that Mark's process got me to go deeper into my own.

"You know Markus is unavailable."

I am aware of this but my heart still drops.

"You go for men that are unavailable. Is this the story of your life?"

"Yes."

I tell Mikis how after the ceremony, I was testing out the boys to see if they could be my anchor.
I was willing to chose one.
I tell him (and the whole group, Mark included) that I tried Nik but Markus felt best.

Mikis asks Nik what he feels about me.

He has nice words but it feels forced, empty, robotic and I don't have much care because I am fixated on the idea of Mark.

Mikis asks Nik to pull a chair up in front of me and we are to look in each other's eyes.

I feel vulnerable, in the beginning stages of life and am not yet comfortable with my new appearance.

I laugh a lot and cannot look at Nik.

Mikis is getting frustrated with me.

"This is your life! Do you think it's a joke?"

"No."

I look at Nik but don't see him.

We stand.

We hug.

I can't feel him.

This isn't working.

I tell Mikis that I see that this is me looking for my reference point and that I could see that I haven't had reference points (home, job, masculine figure etc.) for alot of my life, which has caused me to spiral.

I tell Mikis how when I'm asking the Ayahuasca, what if nobody likes me, I start to ask about my Twitter and Instagram followers.
What if they don't "LIKE" me.

"I see why you made it clear for me to ask LIKE, not love."

Mikis is extremely impressed by how hard I worked.
He slides his hands up the arm rests of his chair to support his weight and stands.

"I don't often bow 2 times in a workshop."

He looks at me, he's proud.

He takes the type of respectful bow you only see in the movies.

I am honoured.
I'm proud.

So, What If Nobody Likes Me?

"The answer is simple."

"People like you when you are not real, not a human but a projection, a "cool" person that is not them, because they all hate their humanity, they are taught to hate themselves.

If nobody likes you, then there will be some people who will love you, be one with you because you will be a real person and not just an image.

It is more important to be loved by the people that matter in your life than to be liked by multitudes who don't really know you and don't really care about you.

You will never truly like yourself if you are constantly trying to impress people and gain their "likes" which bottom line, mean nothing to your life.

You will like and love yourself and others will love you too if you are a real person, proud of your humanity and not just a fashion image." - Mikis Hasson

Boom!

Are you feeling BOLD, BRAVE and ready for real transformation, to help you move forward towards living your most mythic life? You can gather more information on being a part of a workshop with my teacher, here: https://www.tierramitica.com/choice-os-workshops/ These people are my family, so let them know Phoebe Dykstra sent you! Please note: The workshops are now run with tools given to Mikis from the Ayahuasca. To help more people, they are run without the use of psychoactive plants. Thank you.

The main bulk of these workshops are held just outside of Tarapoto, Peru, but the team will be heading to Lesbos, Greece in June and Joshua Tree, California in October,  which I would love to be at!

If my story makes you FEEL, please share.
Thank you.
​
Love, Phoebe Dykstra