What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? (Part 2)

.My Increase Frequency bamboo leggings and long-sleeve were perfect for ceremony under my white dress I got in LA and big fuzzy socks. I strapped on the headlamp my dad gave me and slipped on my jaguar runners.

I repeated my intention, engraving it into my being as we walked down the trail to Babushka, the outdoor ceremony floor. 

I knew tonight was going to be potent. 
I was going in fearless, determined. 
I requested to sit close to the shamans. 

The cup was big. 
It took me two huge gulps to get it down. The smell of tobacco mixed with the taste of the Ayahuasca became overwhelming, I bit my lip to show my body who was in charge. 


What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother? 
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?


The shamans began to sing. 

I laid on my back, arms by my side, eyes closed and was tucked in with a big wool blanket. Straight to work.

What If Nobody Likes Me, Grandmother?
I immediately began to imagine the playground of the school I went to when I was young.
What if nobody at the school likes me, Grandmother?

I went over each one of my grade school crushes. I said their name in my mind, remembered an occasion when I was nervous around them and felt they didn't like me back. 

One by one I went through every girl that bullied me. I said the name of the one that put me through the most hell. I got stumped on her last name. Why couldn't I remember her last name? I repeated my intention again, to keep it clear in my mind, in case the Ayahuasca was about to take me over. What was her last name? Never-mind her last name, "what if Sarah doesn't like me?" I remembered being at her house in grade 8. I remembered her basement having walls filled with movies, she had every "thing." I always felt her parents were too busy so they bought her stuff to make up for lost love and attention. I remembered her being at my house, telling my mother lies to her face at the kitchen table. I thought she was a liar. Wait, what if I didn't like HER?

I thought of being at another one of my bully's homes. This girl, a fake. 

I thought about an ex co-worker from my time as an on-air television personality at MTV. We never got along, I thought she was fake. 

Wait, what if everyone that didn't like me, I actually didn't like either?

I could feel my friend and fellow workshop mate Markus, restless. He was laying on the mattress next to me. He began to mumble and call "Aura" for help. Another friend and workshop mate to my right began to talk to herself and call "Aura"'for help. 

The medicine came on stronger.

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?
Markus screams "HELP ME!"

What if nobody likes me, Grandmother?

"HELP ME! HELP ME!"
One of our helpers rushes over to assist Mark. 

I felt terror. 
Focus Phoebe!

What if nobody at high-school liked me? 
I get flashes of my high-school bullies. 
What if nobody here in the workshop likes me? 
Mark's speech goes back and fourth between English and Swedish. He is moving around. I can feel his fear. He starts to flail his arms and legs everywhere, shouting. I could feel the presence of something that wasn't him. 
Sara from our hosting team calmly comes up to my ear and whispers "stay focused on your intention Phoebe, your brother is fighting for his life."

My feeling of love for him override my feelings of fear. 

Something black, the size of a bowling ball hits me in the chest. It feels demonic. I tighten up but refuse to open my eyes or move my limbs. *Thud*, what feels and looks like a black panther slams into the side of me. 

I scream. 
I can hear and feel black dogs sniffing around my head.
They are sniffing for fear to feed on. 

I shift my energy.
​

What if nobody likes me?
I started at my feet.
I like my feet!
I like my ankles!
I like my legs!
I like you legs!


The dogs leave but I am scared these parts of Mark are going to come back. 

I like you belly!
I like you arms!
What if nobody likes me?
I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME!


Mikis is called to the ceremony floor, he creates distance between Mark and the rest of the group. 

I call and ask for a worker to come sit by me. I told them I am scared something will jump on me. They re-assured me I am safe and encourage me to focus on my intention.

What if nobody on Instagram likes me?
What if nobody on twitter likes me?
"LIKES" me. 
Oh.
I began to think about how much time was spent doing #phoebesdailyoutfit photos and how many likes I'd get. 
How little likes I get now. 

I can hear Mark going back and fourth between personalities, Mikis is working to set him free. 

I am distracted but their process is pushing me to work harder in my own. 

"Dear Argonauts, the second ceremony of your Mythic Voyage is now over..."
I am assisted to sit up, I reach for a bottle of water, hold it in my hands and slowly bring it to my mouth. I felt like a newborn holding a warm bottle of milk. The water tasted like sweet rose and honey. I chugged the whole bottle, got up and was assisted in finding my jaguar runners.

To be continued...

"OFRENDA" by Luis Tamani
www.luis-tamani.com/product-page/ofrenda